Sam Juan Els

Now I'm the grandfather and who else would I give my Werther's Original to, but some floozy I met online...

it's not often in our lives that someone special comes along

someone who makes you feel so good, you know it must be wrong

when i first saw this girl, i knew she was the one

we met each other quite by chance on double-u double-u double-u dot i deep throat dot com

 

her smile was full of teeth

her eyes are full of laughter

her breasts are full of silicone

which is too bad, but no disaster

'cos when she gets to work she's a felatio grandmaster

i... shot my load on the keyboard

and it's never worked quite right after

 

the girl from i deep throat dot com

she doesn't look like much but she's got something going on 

the girl from i deep throat dot com

probably wouldn't even gag on a foot long schlong

the girl from i deep throat dot com

she's opened up my eyes now i see so much going on

 

like these als scan models who put their fists in each other

and this man from milf - he's probably fucking and filming your mother

and who knows what the bang brothers want with your sister

while the lightspeed university coeds play naked twister

there's a sapphic erotica lesbian threeway going on this very minute

hands up any man who can still use his hand after imagining he's in it

 

go on, imagine you're in it.... sapphic erotica lesbian threeway...

look at those... beautiful eastern european girls, with their, their...

 

the girl from i deep throat dot com

doesn't look like much but she's got something going on

the girl from i deep throat dot com

probably wouldn't even gag on a foot long schlong

 

and you know these thirty year olds in club seventeen

who only wear t-hirts and baseball caps

they only ever fuck ugly old men

i wonder which ugly old man came up with that

and i wonder why kate from kates playground wears so many clothes still

and is the mike from mike's apartment the same mike as the mike from mike in brazil

and why doesn't luba leave peter hegre - she  can come and live with me

if you ever meet that miracle of nature, please please put her in touch with me

 

the girl from i deep throat dot com

she's got nothing on luba but she's got something going on

the girl from i deep throat dot com

is probably only a 5 or a 6 out of ten and only with good makeup on

the girl from i deep throat dot com

probably wouldn't even choke on a metre long schlong 

the girl from i deep throat dot com

i think her name is heather

yes, yes i think her name is heather

the girl from i deep throat dot com

she doesn't look like much but she's got something going on

the girl from i deep throat dot com

i think it must be love

'cos i know it must be wrong... 

i was a boy, he was a priest

can i make this any more obvious?

i lit the candles before mass every week

what more can i say? 

 

i looked up to him, he looked down on me

with a funny look in his eyes, 

i offered to thelp him take off his robes

but he just sent me home

 

i was an altar boy

but i never felt the joy

of god's love inside me

i was rejected by

a priest and i still cry sometimes

when i think what might have been. 

Lots of things come from "the Country". Some of them are good and some are bad. The diagram below shows where things which come from the country lie on the spectrum of goodness. I've included some things of non-country origin to give you a sense of scale.

Now, you'll notice that country music occupies a significant position in the very deepest depths of ungoodness. I've always hated country music. I only recently realised that the reason for this is that I simply didn't understand it. So I decided to fix that - I went to the country, and I brought back this song. It's a traditional New Zealand shepherd's ballad.

Download it here [1.7Mb mp3] (thanks again to nischikata for hosting it!)
Read the lyrics

The percussive beatings are supplied by the beddable badger and his edible todger. And if you think I'm talking about drumming, you've gotten ahold of the end of the wrong stick.

This song and recording are covered by a Creative Commons license, which means you can copy, distribute and even broadcast it, provided you don't charge for it, and you give appropriate credit. Read more...

And if you thought this song was beyond the pale - just wait til you hear my ode to Kylie's cancerous tit or my song of praise to Tony Blair

Well Daddy y'know I never strayed too far from the flock
Hurtin' an' sharin' sheep's always bin my lot.
An' Daddy y'know I never had no need o' no wife,
But I sure'd like to have sex with a woman at least once in my life.
Daddy you raised me never to touch no horse whores.
So if I can't find a woman o' my own, can I borrow yours?

'Cos Mamma always said that she loved me.
She said she'd do anything for me.
You said she's the tightest girl you'd had.
Well I bet you she's tighter now, now that she's dead.

(Yodel)

Tony Blair is one of the most popular politicians in the western world. He's also a liar, a coward and a cunt. (Further reading: 1 2 3 4)

So this is not a song from the heart. Nor is it a song from the other organ that usually motivates my more memorable musical moments. No. This is a song from the gall bladder. This is the gooey strings of bright yellow bile hanging from my quivering bottom lip as i try to catch my breath between retches, surveying the undigestible strata of the layered cocktail of chunder that will become the fossil record of recent history.

Download it here [4.2Mb mp3] (thanks again to nischikata for hosting it!)
Read the lyrics

Doof, Tss, Ka and Kshsh all appear courtesy of the sticky fists of Captain Fur Kiss.

This song and recording are covered by a Creative Commons license, which means you can copy, distribute and even broadcast it, provided you don't charge for it, and you give appropriate credit. Read more...

If you liked this, it's not really any indication either way as to whether you'll like my other songs, but check out my ode to Kylie's cancerous tit anyway.

Totalitarian Tony, you're a phony
Just like Silvio Berlusconi, only
He's rich while you're poor and lonely, oh so lonely
Surrounding yourself with these cronies who you owe these
Favours, back scratches and moneys.

 

Tony Blair you've worse to fear
Than more terrorists attacking here,
Or electricians for that matter -
These Brazilians are everywhere!
By following Bush so eagerly,
You're going down in history
Like Monica Lewinsky,
And everybody knows that she
She swallowed more than her pride.
She did more than just lied
To keep the president satisfied.

 

Totalitarian Tony, you're a phony,
Just like Silvio Berlusconi, only
He's rich while you're poor and lonely, oh so lonely -
Surrounding yourself with these cronies who you owe these
Favours, back scratches and senior diplomatic posts.

 

Totalitarian Blair, you're still there.
But your election win wasn't fair, or square.
Totalitarian Prime Minister, your sinister
Plans intended to diminish or to limit our
Freedoms our choices and our privacy
Will be easier to overcome than our own apathy.

 

Blah blah blah blah politics.

They say that flagging pop credibility is the mother of Reinvention. If that's the case, then Kylie Minogue is the younger of Reinvention's two favourite daughters. And now, the soap actress - turned cheesy 80s pop star - turned sleazy 90s pop star - turned sleek 00s pop star - has done it again - and this time Madonna didn't do it first!

So this song is dedicated to everybody's favourite ex-neighbour in her hour of most desperate need - having to resort to using her breasts to get into the news.

Download it here [3.2Mb mp3] (thanks to nischikata for hosting it!)
Read the lyrics

This song and recording are covered by a Creative Commons license, which means you can copy, distribute and even broadcast it, provided you don't charge for it, and you give appropriate credit. Read more...

NOTE:

Some people are offended by this song, accusing me of being mean-spirited and nasty, but these people are totally missing the point. The song is not about making fun of a poor woman who is suffering from a serious and potentially fatal medical condition. No. The song is in fact a parody which mocks the people who would make fun of a poor woman who is suffering from a serious and potentially fatal medical condition.

Sam Juan Els

kylie's breast is cancerous
breast cancer is a killer
and that's no laughing matter
kylie's boob is tumorous
which isn't humorous at all
unlike if she had leprosy

kylie i'm praying to god that you pull through
there's so many things i never had the chance to say to you
like how neighbours sucked even worse than most of your songs do
also you're cute enough that i'd totally do you

so go ahead and have your chemotherapy
lose all your hair, i won't care - just come back to me
it'd be a real shame if you required a mastectomy
at least in your case it'd only be a minor assymmetry

and i'll always regret not being the one to find the lump
will the last guy to touch your tit be the first guy to touch your stump?
and will you get a synthetic prosthetic plastic attachment
you should ask michael jackson and avoid going everywhere that he went

'cos he went too far
and maybe i also just went too far

making jokes about jacko again
but this is nothing more than a segue
see, the king of pop is an appropriate name
he sells tabloids like the real royal family
and if madonna is or at least was the queen
then you must be the darling princess
i sure hope prince's hands are clean
if you die and there's ever an inquest

kylie i'm praying to god that you pull through
there's so many things i never had the chance to say to you
like thumbs up for every time you ever wore see-through
and tell you sister danii she can come live with us too

so go ahead and have your chemotherapy
lose all your hair, i won't care - just come back to me
it'd be a real shame if you required a mastectomy
at least in your case it'd only be a minor assymmetry

kylie i'm praying to god that you pull through
there's so many things i never had the chance to say to you
like bend over baby i'm about to stick into you
and oh my god yeah did the earth move for you too?

did the earth move for you?
'cos it sure moved for me
when i heard the news
of your poor sore titty

kylie's breast is cancerous
breast cancer is a killer
and that's no laughing matter